15 czerwca 2004, 05:52
there are things u know oh so well ur whole life, but still pretend that they're not there, that they're not a problem, that u can take it. untill.
one day, u finally realize that u spent years and years lying to yourself, using up all possible energy to cover up what is wrong instead of facing and fixing it.
i have major depression, post trauma stress disorder, panic disorder. i was said i'm an alcoholic as well, but. i think it would take less energy to get myself to jump of a bridge than to write it here in black and white. they say addmiting u have a problem is a first step, right ;) dunno, but have to do something. i guess i have to learn to addmit that there acctually is a problem. and while it will take much much more to do it in real life i think its a good step, well it's a step. still dont know a lot.
u know what the worst part is? showing my weakness. i always try to be the smartest, nicest, funniest, strongest, cause i feel that if im not all that then people wont accept me. i have no faith that anyone would accept me for who i really am.so it takes a lot, to say: well im not that strong afterall. push me and i will break.
u know what the funny part is? i think a lot of people wouldn believe me anyway. over the years i got really got at pretending stuff. i created another 'cover up self' for people to see.
its all a mess. but i will figure it out somehow.
wish me luck. wish me life.